I Am Judging Me

I confess, I ended my night last night with The Bachelor. Ugh. Every season, I say "I'm not watching that trash." And every season, I end up watching it. Kind of like how every day, I say "I don't need wine to get through my evening with the tiny humans," and every afternoon at 4pm I start making eyes at the Black Box. Yes, it is exactly like that. 

But these Bachelor people are geniuses. I imagine that "casting" and "scripting" for this show look a lot like this:

Step 1: Call modeling agencies for casting call. Note to models: You must be an aspiring model and claim something else as your primary profession. We prefer kindergarten teachers, professional cheerleaders or "consultants." Bonus points for really obscure professions like "mortician" or "rodeo clown."

Step 2: Sort through applicants for signs of emotional instability and general confusion over current events and politics. Anyone who can correctly identify the Speaker of the House is automatically disqualified. Anyone who can correctly identify past contestants of The Bachelor, Teen Mom or The Jersey Shore is automatically passed through to the next round.

Step 3: Final interview questions, including:
"How do you feel about hot tubs?"
"Are you opposed to wearing a bikini in completely inappropriate settings like ski mountains, elevators or while sky diving?"
"What are your thoughts on sloppy thirds, fourths or seventeeths?"
" Have you and six of your best girlfriends ever dated the same guy?"
"Has an ex ever taken out a restraining order against you?"
"On a scale of one to ten, how desperate are you to find a husband?"

Step 4: The finalists. We need at least one of the following:

  • Emotionally unstable girl. She cries all the time. She cries when she gets a rose and when other people do. She cries when she receives a date card and when she does not. And when she gets sent home (it usually doesn't take long, because unless she is super-hot the guys catch on pretty quickly) she goes bat-sh*t crazy talking about how she was "the one" for The Bachelor and how some day he will realize it and show up at her door. (Or she will show up hiding in the bushes with binoculars across the street from his house. Same difference.)

  • Super-Hot Mean Girl. This girl acts like Cruella Deville but looks more like Giselle. None of the other girls ever speak to her on dates or at cocktail parties, but she assures The Bachelor it's because they are jealous and she is just misunderstood. We're not sure if he believes it or not, but she generally sticks around until the overnight fantasy dates. Gee, I wonder why. Side note: every self-respecting Bachelor feigns shock and awe when their season airs about SHMG. "I just didn't see that side of her." Yeah dude, we know what "side" you were focused on.

  • Party Girl. This girl is there for the awesome dates and the free drinks. She is marginally interested in The Bachelor but only as a vehicle for prolonging her stay at the house. She always has a drink in her hand, glassed-over eyes, and comes up with the best group date suggestions. "Let's all go skinny-dipping!"

  • Token Girl. She's there because we are being politically correct, rounding out the pool. We know this because she never has one on one time with The Bachelor, we aren't sure what her name is, but she keeps getting through to the next round until at least the final 8. She is usually smart, pretty and totally unsuited for reality television. We hope she was at least compensated for her appearance.

  • The Best Friend. This one really thinks the way into The Bachelor's heart is by playing the friend card. She usually alerts him to the fact that SMHG is mean under the pretense of "I would want to know if I were in your shoes." The Bachelor usually responds to this news by saying "thanks, Sweetie" and hugging it out. Then not advancing the BF to the next round and giving the rose to the SHMG.

  • There for the Wrong Reasons Girl. Maybe she has a boyfriend at home. Maybe she's a lesbian. Either way – she's a fame whore who has zero interest in The Bachelor and is using reality TV to launch her career as a model/country singer/infomercial host. I kind of like her style.

  • Everybody Else. The rest look the same. They mostly have names that end in "ee" or have the same name so they have to be referred to by first name and last initial (Candy C and Candy M). If any of the Real Housewives are sent to rehab, any of these girls are ready, willing and able to step in and seamlessly replace them without anyone being the wiser.

Step 5: Showtime. Add all the girls together and watch the drama unfold. We promise, there will be many firsts and certainly "the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER."

Step 6: The Aftermath. The Bachelor and his "choice" are likely not together for "after the final rose." If they are, they are trotted out with Trista & Ryan, Molly & Jason and Ashley & JP. If not, it leaves more time to introduce the new Bachelorette (the most popular and marketable of the jilted finalists) and promo the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad. Because we obviously can't wait to see more of these people and their shenanigans.

I know this, yet I still watch. As a result, my Monday nights, until further notice, belong to the two B's: The Bachelor and Black Box. Cheers!


  1. […] Time: When my mom left with the kids, I climbed back into bed with my coffee and watched The Bachelor. Then I took a super-long, super-hot shower.  I didn't return any work calls, because I […]

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