The Reasons I’m Not Writing

Because work feels crazy. Because I have carpal tunnel in both wrists. Because there is always someone who is hungry, or thirsty, or wanting something from me. Because would rather watch TV. Because I do not have make time. Because I am not ready to say what comes next, but I know I am running out of time.

My kid is going to kindergarten. He is ready. I am not ready. 

Since the day T was born, I have been counting down in my head the days until he begins kindergarten. It feels, by far, like the biggest and scariest milestone out there – I knew it even then. While it is a beginning of many things, it feels like an end. And I am not ready.

I am not ready for school bus rides and field trips where strangers take T and show him parts of the world that we haven't gotten to yet. 

I am not ready for hurt feelings and mean kids and T being left out on the playground. 

I am not ready for homework instead of playing outside after school.

I am not ready to abide by school vacations as the only weeks of the year when we are supposed to travel.

I am not ready to concede the fact that this part – the part where we are unequivocally in charge, and the world is largely what we have built it to be for T – is over.

Most of all, I am not ready to walk him to school, to wave goodbye and see my little boy disappear inside what seems like an awfully big school. And to realize that with each passing day, he will seem a little bigger and the school will seem a little smaller. Because he will be, and it will be.

And that is the way it is supposed to go. 

He is ready. I am not ready. 

 

Comments

  1. Mine is a year away, and I'm already feeling anxiety. Was nice to see you in my Bloglovin' after so long!

  2. I really feel you on this… especially the whole kids making fun of my kid thing. I am not ready for her to enter the fray yet 🙁 Wish I could shield her for just a little longer…

    -Dana

Trackbacks

  1. […] previously discussed, this week T begins kindergarten. I am preparing for the worst while hoping for the best. And I am […]

  2. […] and I say "She's so ready." What I do not say is "I'm not ready." I was not ready to send T, but I thought it would be different – I thought I would be different – with A. It […]

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